The C-Word: Update
“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.” -Kenji Miyazawa
I think one of the hardest things to do in life is to be strong for someone when you feel like everything is already too much for yourself to handle. You have to put everything you’re feeling to the side because the other person’s well-being means way more than your own personal feelings. I’m currently writing this on my bed and I couldn’t be more excited because this will be my first night sleeping in my bed in a week. Exactly seven days ago, my mom had four surgeries in one day. She had to put in a temporary catheter for dialysis, she had a hysterectomy, she had to remove her kidney (so now she doesn’t have any), and she removed the cancer from her colon. It was, without a doubt, the longest day of my entire life.
Let me start from the beginning to give you a better idea of what the past week has looked like for us. Last Monday, I surprised my mom with a little getaway at a hotel we had been going to since I was a little girl. It was just a chance for her to relax and hopefully not think too much about the days that were to follow. On Tuesday, we woke up bright and early to begin our day of doctors appointments. After several tubes of blood were drawn and a binder full of papers were signed, we were back in the house trying to prepare for the day that was to follow. On Wednesday, at around 6 in the morning, we were off to the hospital to begin the day full of procedures. I think the scariest part of this day is right when you get to the hospital and you know you’re going to have to say goodbye to the person. You try to remain positive and not make it a big deal, but on the inside you feel so nervous because you never know what the outcome is going to be. You have to put on a brave face because if you’re feeling nervous, just imagine how the actual person going under is feeling. My mom ended up being in the operating room for over 11 hours that day and those hours honestly felt like eternity.
When she was finally placed in her room, the longest night of my entire life began. At first, my mom was obviously very out of it with the medication she was on. However, as the night started to truly roll in, the pain became very unbearable for my mom. My mom has gone through so much in her life, so I am used to seeing her in hospitals and things of that nature, however, I have never seen her in so much pain in my entire life. We found out that my mother had actually died on the table in the OR and they revived her and I think that really scared her because she kept crying over it all night. I have never in my life felt so heartbroken, but I knew that she needed me to be strong because the pain she was in was so immense. My mom was obviously very out of it, but I could hear her asking God why he was putting her through this and why he wouldn’t just take her. I know that she obviously did not mean those things, but hearing her say things like that was so painful. I am sharing this part of the night with you all because although it is hard to hear (and hard to share), it’s reality and I believe that you have to share both the highs and the lows.
However, we made it through that night and although the following days all had their challenges, we tried to make the best of each day. We watched countless horror movies, we had a NKOTB dance session, we took a few small walking trips down the hallway. Now, she is finally back home and we are just preparing for her outpatient dialysis treatments that are going to start on Thursday. The past week has been draining in every way possible- mentally, physically, and emotionally- however, now is the time to continue to kick ass and remain positive. Although, our lifestyle is going to change dramatically, we have so much to be thankful for as my mom is still here with us.
I just want to send a huge thank you to anyone who has reached out, the love that we have continued to receive has been so overwhelming. I will definitely continue to update my blog with news on my mom’s health over the next few months.