Gaining an Angel
"If I had a flower for every time I thought of you ... I could walk in my own garden forever." - Alfred Jennyon
It’s been two months since the day that my mother passed away and I still can’t say that I fully accept it. On September 9th, 2018, my entire life was flipped upside down and I don’t think it will ever feel normal again.
On September 8th, I spent the entire day with my mom. So many people showed up to the hospital that day to see her, literally everyone seemed to be there. It was very overwhelming since my mom was having the longest dialysis treatment of her life and it was proving to be very hard on her body. That day we still argued (which is what I miss the most), we laughed, we cried, we did it all and I am so thankful. I was originally going to go out with a friend that night so I was going to go home early to get ready, but something, in my heart, told me to stay there until she fell asleep and I am so glad that I did because that would be the last few moments that my mom would be awake.
I remember that after she fell asleep, I gave her hundreds of kisses and said goodbye to my tita (the hardest part for me was always leaving the hospital). I left that hospital, got in my lyft and assumed that I would just see her the following day. I never, in my life, thought that would be the last moment I ever got to spend with my mom. That night, as I was getting ready, I received a call from my moms best friend just telling me to get ready because she was coming to get me to take me to the hospital. That is when I knew something serious was happening, but I still never thought that she would pass. I remember getting there and waiting for the doctor to come out to talk to us. I could still remember my titas’ face and how she wasn’t even wearing her shoes because they rushed her out of the room so fast. As soon as the doctor came to find us, I immediately just knew and I felt my entire soul leave my body. I instantly became numb and it was not until I walked into the room to see her hooked up on a breathing machine that I fully broke down.
That whole night has moments that are crystal clear for me, but it also has moments that are a complete blur. I remember that I did get a moment alone in the room with my mom and it was probably the moment that I felt the lowest I have ever felt. I was able to talk to her and hold her, but this was the first time that I would have to experience not getting a response back from her. The best way to describe how it felt is literally just feeling like my entire body was hallow. I felt as if everything was going in slow motion.
Everyday, for the past two months, I have woken up and reminded myself that she was no longer with me. I have gotten into bed and had to remind myself again. I am not sure if that is normal to do and feel, but for me, it is still hard to imagine living the rest of my life without her. Obviously, it is going to be hard to go through my first holiday season without her, but it isn’t even that. What breaks my heart the most is needing something from Target and having to walk in there alone. It’s craving a McFlurry and not having someone to immediately drop everything to go with me. It was seeing all of the Halloween costumes in Target and not feeling the same trying on the stupid things. It is all of the little things that I did with her on a daily basis that breaks my heart the most. I remember that it took me a few weeks to go into Target alone. It probably sounds so dumb and makes no sense, but I feel her presence there and it makes me so sad. I feel her when I drive down Wellington on the way to the McDonald’s on Ashland because I can’t just go to the one on Addison. I feel her everywhere I go.
When I first got the job at Morphe, I had training to go to, and after the first day, I immediately got in my car and started calling her out of habit. I would always call my mom and talk to her on my way home from work or school or wherever. I was about three rings in when I realized what I was doing. Hanging up that call was so hard. Another day, I was driving and all of a sudden Step by Step by the New Kids on the Block came on. It was not apart of my playlist, but it still played and it immediately made me cry on my whole ride home. It is the small things that remind me of her. When I was on my way to school, I was on the bus and a mom and daughter got on. That, for some reason, just made a huge wave of sadness hit me and I cried on the bus.
I don’t want this blog to all be a downer because I have some positive moments to speak on. I always knew I had amazing friends, but it was after my moms’ death that I truly felt all of their love. I have the BEST friends in this world, they have all been there for me in ways that I am not sure I will every be able to repay. It has brought me closer to them and it has made me look at life differently. I think the biggest thing I have learned is to appreciate every second you have in this life. I was fortunate enough to spend basically everyday with my mom and do more with her in my twenty-one years than some will do in their entire lives. However, now I can’t do anymore with her. She will not see me graduate from school, she will not see me live life, she will not see me walk down the aisle if I get married, she will not meet my future family. That is the hardest thing to accept. So, just take this in and let it serve as a reminder to love those around you a little harder. I know what it’s like to be annoyed by your mom (I know all too well), but there isn’t anything I wouldn’t give to be annoyed by her for just one more minute. Since her passing, I have gone through all of her stuff and I have learned so much about her that I wish I had the opportunity to talk to her about. There was still so much she had to do in this life and I am not sure why she was dealt these cards in life.
I know that she is with me and that I will always have her in my heart, but selfishly, I still wish she could be here with me. I not only lost my mom, but my confidant, my concert buddy, my Halloween queen, and my absolute best friend. My life will never be the same, I truly do not know if this pain will ever go away. I do know that I have to continue living though, not just for myself, but for her. She was full of life, even up until the very end, and that is the biggest thing I hope to take from my mom. I want to take on her spirit and enjoy every second I have in this life until I get to see her again.
Mamacita, I know you hear me talk to you everyday. I hope I always make you proud. I love and miss you more than you can even begin to imagine. I am not sure how I will handle life without you, but I will try my best. Thank you for being the best mom I could have ever asked for. You’ve taught me so much and in all honesty, I think you prepared me for this. Everything I do is for you and I hope that you will continue to help guide me. I love you, my drogadita.